if you only knew..

My life is so different from this time last year. Going through my old journal looking at random updates. This time last year I was with Dave and I was happier than ever because I found a guy that was nothing like the rest, especially after ending my relationship with Jacob the year before. Dave and I had an apartment together and I was happy. I had an awesome friendship with Tim and everything (well, mostly everything) was perfect. Now here I am living with my sister and her boyfriend and nothing is the same. Dave and I broke up, I moved out of the apartment we were living in, moved back home, got back with Tim, moved to Syracuse, got a stupid tattoo all because I didn't want to hurt Tim's feelings if I said no, broke up with Tim to get back with Dave, moved back in with Dave, broke up with Dave three months later, moved back home, started hanging out with Jon in November, Tim stopped talking to me because I called him an asshole (it's true, even though I miss our friendship sometimes), moved to my sister's, started talking to Dave again (we're friends), got admitted to the hospital at the end of February, ended any sort of relationship thing that was going on with Jon and now I can't get him to talk to me hardly (sucks because he's a sweetie and he's a good friend and deserves happiness and I miss him), car got hit, I've been out of work since February 26th of this year, I'm broke, my liver is failing and I'm unhappy but things have been getting better. As much as miss having someone there to love and do things for and to love me and take care of me, I've realized that guys are just trouble and I'm okay on my own. It's what I've needed since probably before Dave and I got together. I meet someone and I build them up to be this great person and then I freak out because I jump in too soon. That's not true for every situation though but you get my point. I'm far too screwed up to be with someone and be happy. I'm insecure and I can't trust anyone. I'm finally seeing that this is what I'm happy with doing, finding out who I am and what I need to do to improve myself. We'll see how things are further down the road. Then I'll be okay with being in a relationship. I'm looking forward to the future and me time, even if I am sick. I can do it. I will do it.