You won't be alone, I am beside you.

I feel like I'm in a haze lately. I've never been in a such a slump mood ever in my life. I don't understand. I should be happy. I mean I guess I am happy but overall I just feel like my head is in a fog. I can't seem to snap out of it. I'm happy about the people (and animals) in my life, that's about it. I'm not happy about the fact that I feel trapped in a town that I feel I'll never get out of. I'm in a never ending cycle of sickness, things are just going to get worse before they get better as the days go by. I want to be healthy. Gosh, do I want to be healthy. I think I deserve to be healthy. I never did anything to anyone to deserve all of this. It happens to the best of us right? Sigh... I always wonder what my life would be like if I weren't sick, or if I never got sick in the first place. I'd probably be a completely different person. I'd probably be confident. I'd be in school or finished with school, a degree in something that I love, preferably helping animas. I'd have money. I'd have a stable and loving relationship with someone. I feel so much that I've failed at everything. Although I'm working on getting my life in order. It's just taking longer than I thought or ever wanted it to. Don't get me wrong, I like the person that I've become for the most part, I believe I'm a good person. I just got a little lost on my way. I'm stronger than most people give me credit for. I'm probably contradicting myself when saying all of this and it's not in order, it's just what's going on in my head as I type this out, things just pop out. I'm a positive person, I just get bummed out about things like any normal person would, but who is really normal in this world? I guess I'm not normal, far from it. I'm unique. I'm worth it. Maybe everyone is going through this phase in their life right now, I'm sure it's not just me. Everyone has problems and I feel kind of pathetic whining about my problems because there are a lot of people that are worse off. I'm just sad. She's sad, he's sad and so is she and him as well. We're all just sad. Were all looking to find something. That's life. There are times where I just feel like giving up and not even trying anymore but I know that's just silly so I keep putting around looking for ways to be happy again. I'm getting there. I won't give up, I'll never give up. You shouldn't either. After all of this disability stuff is figured out I'm going to FINALLY get everything going in the right direction. I'm going to start looking at schools again for Veterinary Technician, get my own place or live with someone (not in Wolcott), I'm going to get a better car, get a job if I don't get approved for disability and work toward having a relationship with a certain someone if and when he is ready for it and even if it's something that he wants as well (you're all I care about, no one else matters.) Speaking of which, I wish I could just talk about it on here open and freely but I don't know if I'm "allowed" because I don't know who all reads this and whatnot. I just know how I feel and what I feel is real, it's been real since day one. I just got scared at first which has been a problem with me in the past. I just need you to believe in me like no one else did. I've been working on myself and I think I've shown you that I've been changing things that I wasn't so good at in the first place, you know what I'm talking about. And I know that you have a list of what you're looking for in someone. I want to be that someone for you. I'm ready for this. I'm ready to be in a serious relationship. That's all I'm looking for. That's all I want. No one has measured up or will ever measure up to you. You're great, you need to start giving yourself more credit. I'm not walking away this time and I will prove that to you. I promise. Just believe in me. Just give it another chance. I won't let you down and you won't let me down as much as you think you're going to. You're wonderful in my eyes, I wish you would see that. We're the same in that way I guess. None of this makes any kind of sense probably. I'm just rambling. I have so much going on in this little head of mine. It needs to come out.